Why Narcissists Are Drawn to Autistic Women - Understanding the Attraction

Many autistic women find themselves repeatedly targeted by narcissists. This troubling pattern is not a coincidence. Understanding why women on the spectrum attract individuals with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) can help autistic women protect themselves and build healthier relationships. This article explores the dynamics behind this attraction and offers practical insights for ASD women navigating relationships.

Part of narcissistic abuse if a deep feeling of isolation.

Why Narcissists Target Autistic Women

Narcissists seek partners who are empathetic, loyal, and often less likely to challenge their behavior. Many autistic women possess deep empathy and a strong sense of loyalty, even if they express emotions differently. This combination can make them appealing to individuals with NPD because:

• High empathy and patience: ASD women often try to understand others’ feelings and perspectives, which narcissists exploit to gain control.

• Desire for connection: Women on the spectrum may prioritize building meaningful relationships, sometimes overlooking red flags.

• Difficulty recognizing manipulation: Social communication differences can make it harder for autistic women to detect subtle emotional abuse or gaslighting.

  
  

These traits do not mean autistic women are weak or at fault. Instead, narcissists are skilled at identifying and exploiting vulnerabilities in anyone, and ASD women’s unique social experiences can make them more susceptible.

Common Patterns in Relationships with Individuals with NPD

Narcissists often follow a predictable cycle in relationships, which can be especially confusing for autistic women:

• Idealization: Narcissists initially shower attention and praise, making the autistic woman feel valued and understood. That's rare for us...

• Devaluation: Once trust is established, the narcissist begins to criticize, manipulate, or isolate their partner. That contrast starts to create a neurochemical addiction loop in the ASD brain which I talk about in the Podcast, in Episodes 15A to 16B.

• Discard: The narcissist may abruptly end the relationship or emotionally withdraw, leaving the autistic woman confused and hurt.

  
  

Because ASD women may have a strong need for routine and predictability, the sudden shifts in behavior can be particularly destabilizing. And at the same time, the cycle of abuse is a predictable pattern that the ASD brain craves! It's pretty twisted, but I encourage you to dive deeper with an ASD-informed therapist.

How Autistic Women Can Protect Themselves

Awareness is the first step toward breaking this cycle. Here are some practical tips for women on the spectrum:

• Learn about narcissistic traits: Understanding common behaviors of individuals with NPD helps recognize warning signs early. I'm a HUGE fan of Dr. Ramani's Podcast.

• Set clear boundaries: Practice saying no and maintaining limits, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Depending on the situation, learn about and consider practicing "grey rocking" or "no contact".

• Seek support networks: Trusted friends, support groups, or therapists familiar with autism can provide guidance and validation.

• Trust your instincts: If something feels off, it probably is. Pay attention to emotional discomfort or confusion. This can be particularly hard with alexithymia.

• Build self-esteem: Dive into your special interests, even if they've been made fun of for a long time. This will remind you of who you were, what made you shine so bright that you unknowingly attracted a deeply insecure person into your life.

  
  

Moving Toward Healthier Relationships

ASD women deserve relationships based on respect, honesty, and mutual care. Recognizing the patterns narcissists use to attract and control can empower autistic women to choose partners who truly value them. Healing from past experiences with individuals with NPD takes time, but with support and knowledge, women on the spectrum can build strong, fulfilling connections. I personally relied heavily on EMDR for my trauma recovery journey, and I talk about this on the Podcast in Episodes 17 and 18.

Remember, being an autistic woman is a strength, not a weakness. Understanding these dynamics helps protect that strength and fosters healthier, happier relationships.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please work with a professional to put in place a safe exit plan before you do anything. The contents of this website are for general education and entertainment purposes only and do not constitute professional advice. For professional advice and training seek assistance from a qualified provider.