13. ASD-Friendly Grounding Technique to Stay Present With Your Autistic Child When You’re Overwhelmed: Trauma Parenting with Autism

Staying present with your child when you're overwhelmed sounds simple but it is actually extremely hard when you're a trauma survivor or a neurodivergent parent. By overwhelmed I don't necessarily mean having a meltdown - crying on the floor, screaming. It's the more subtle kind.

It's the day-to-day reality - you've got your child stimming over there loudly or pacing, you're over here trying to finish something and your whole body feels like it's vibrating. You're completely overstimulated and dissociating at the same time. And that's just great.

So if that's you, you're in the right place. I see you. This is the Transcript for Episode 13.

"Presence looks different when you've lived trauma or are autistic"

A lot of parenting advice assumes that your nervous system works like a calm blank slate. Ours doesn't. For trauma survivors, presence can feel unsafe. Precisely because slowing down means your body has time to feel the things you've tried to outrun. And for autistic parents, presence can be physically difficult because your sensory system overloads faster than average.

That's a bandwidth issue

This is a matter of not having the bandwidth to deal with things sometimes. It's your brain, protecting you. Overwhelm means you're full. Sometimes, your child's innocent stimming can absolutely overload you; between the verbal loops, the pacing around the place, the constant movement in your peripheral vision, the clicking, the humming, the tapping, all those sudden bursts of sound, and then the unpredictable energy shifts. Sometimes even just looking at the movement is too much.

I was sharing in another episode, there have been moments where I've had to just close my eyes or cover my ears or put on my noise-cancellation headphones, while sitting right next to my child. Not because I didn't want to be with him, but because my nervous system was maxed out. So if you're doing that, you're not alone. You're protecting the connection with your child precisely by preventing a shutdown.

Now let's think about micro-presence

Micro-presence is what good enough connection looks like. We're not looking for long, calm, uninterrupted moments. In our reality, those just don't happen. We're looking for micro-presence. 10 seconds of focused connection at a time. So depending on what your child is open to - some kids don't want you to talk to them, some kids don't want you to look at them, some kids don't want to be touched, it really depends on your child's sensory needs - you could try the following examples of micro-presence:

• one soft sentence. "I'm here. I'm here, baby. I'm here with you."

• one look in their direction. Them knowing that you're looking at them.

• a gentle hand gesture, a little pat.

• sitting in the same room. What some specialists call "parallel play". So your ASD kid might be rocking back and forth, but he's somewhat sitting on the sofa reading. And you would be sitting next to him reading your book. So the two of you are actually connecting by parallel-playing, parallel-doing-something.

• a very small response, a smile when your child makes eye contact with you.

• acknowledging their play. "Oh, wow, that's a really nice car you're building with your Legos". Narrating what they're doing for a little bit.

I'm talking tiny things here. Whenever you're using one of those these small moments, your child feels connected, even if you are not fully regulated. Because you don't need to feel present to be present.

"You don't need to be fully regulated

for your kid to sense that connection"

That connection which is crucial for his development.

Here's a simple grounding technique that works mid-overload

This grounding tool works whether you're autistic, overwhelmed, dissociating, etc.

What really works for me when I feel a shutdown coming or I'm overwhelmed, is to:

• name one thing that I feel physically. So for example, right now, as I'm recording this, my legs are crossed. I have one foot on the floor. I can feel my foot on the floor. I can feel the floor pressing back against the sole of my foot. And I'm going to focus on that for a little bit.

• name one thing you hear. It could be the fan in the oven in the kitchen. It could be a dog barking out in the street. Look for one thing that you can hear.

• name one thing you see. Name it, describe it.

What you're doing when you do that, I think we talked about this in episode 12, is you're forcing your brain out of survival mode and into sensory mode. Because your brain cannot do both. If you're intentional about bringing the brain back into sensory mode, you're forcing it out of survival mode. And these are tiny things, but it's enough to keep you from emotionally checking out.

(For a series on the Addiction to Chaos, please start from Episode 15A here)

Here's the part where we talk about mom guilt

You can be a great mom and still get overstimulated. Both things can be true. You're carrying trauma, you're masking, you may have been masking for many years, you're navigating sensory overload, you're trying to break parenting cycles that your body never learned how to break. All of that's exhausting! And still, you show up. You're here. You're reading this piece. You're looking for solutions. You're looking for perspectives.

Clearly, you're a parent that keeps trying. Because your child doesn't need a perfectly-regulated parent. I don't think any of us are perfectly regulated at all times.

But we do need to be parents who keep trying one small moment at a time. And that's what you're doing. And that's what builds security.

And remember, presence is not perfection. It's attention given in small doses through a tired but open heart. You're doing the best you can. Take it one day at a time. Your only job is to make it until the end of today, and you'll set that goal again for tomorrow.

If this has been helpful, move on to Episode 14, Healing from Gaslighting - Helping Your Child Feel Safe by Trusting Yourself First

The contents of this podcast and blog, are for general information and inspiration only. It reflects lived experience and summaries of publicly available research. It is not medical, mental‑health, legal, or professional advice, and it isn’t a substitute for advice tailored to your situation. Please seek support from a qualified professional who understands your needs. If you or someone you’re caring for is at risk of harm, please contact local emergency services or a trusted crisis service in your area.