7. Beyond "Touched Out" - 5 Tips for When You’re "Stimmed Out" - Solo Parenting in Sensory Overload, Meltdowns, and Your Nervous System

Today's question is, what do we do when their stimming overstimulates us? In most households, we hear parents talking about their kids wanting to be in their arms all the time or their kids being up against their legs all the time, wanting contact and needing that hug all the time. In parenting circles, neurotypical circles, a phrase has been coined for this. It's called being touched out. In those circles, they will remind you that love and overwhelm can coexist. That's a beautiful thing that those influencers are reminding us of. There's no shame in being overwhelmed and loving your child. Those two things can coexist.

This is the transcript for Episode 7.

But for us over here, neurodivergent single moms with trauma, overstimulation might come from touch and from sound, and from visual movements, and from the pacing, the flapping, you've got the bouncing, the scripting, the repetition, the echolalia, oh my God!!!

As far as I'm concerned, the overload is often sound and movement. My child does not seek physical contact. Hugs are actually stressful for him. So the overwhelm is rarely touch. It is, however, the constant verbal stimming or the movement loops - the pacing, the rocking, spinning, the repeating, the rapid scripts, the energy in the room that never lands. So we're talking about being "stimmed out". I'm going to trademark this expression :)

"This is being touched out, on a next level"

In the neurospicy community, we get it. And few spaces are covering it without shame. So I figured I'd make an episode about it.

When I'm already tired or anxious, or there's been a letter from my lawyer that day, or I haven't slept enough, which is a lot of days because I still tend to escape instead of rest (this is something I talk about in Episode 8, the difference between resting and escaping) I can get to a point where I feel like my nervous system is about to tap out.

As much as I'm here on this podcast to share with you what I've learned over time that would have saved me so much time if someone had mentored me, and I'm sharing these findings with you, that doesn't mean that I'm necessarily doing it perfectly myself! So I'm still finding myself escaping instead of resting on evenings. I do watch way too much reality TV. And I don't get enough sleep. That's not a very optimal decision that I make. And so when all of that is happening, I'm tired, I'm anxious, I got a letter, I haven't slept enough, whatever, I can get to a point where I feel like my nervous system is about to tap out.

In the early years, I did not know how to handle that

I'd be dealing with medical gaslighting. I'd have autism specialists and trauma specialists telling me I did not have PTSD, telling me my child was not on the autism spectrum, telling me PDA was not a thing, telling me I was fine. He was fine. Everything was fine. I think the masking and fawning as an autistic mom didn't help because I was always trying to look agreeable and normal in front of doctors. So I think that did not help my case. I was probably shooting myself in the foot greatly. And so I would try to push through since I wAs fiNe. Since my kid was fine, and I was fine, and there was nothing going on, I guess I'll just push through or pretend nothing's going on. That was for the early years. It was not great.

Then later on, I understood that over stimulation is a real physical state. And so I no longer needed the approval of all those sPeCiaLisTs that would gaslight me. I could feel my body saying "I am past my capacity, alert alert!" Red lights flashing everywhere. "I'm past my capacity, do something!" And as I was recovering from gaslighting, I had learned by then to listen to my body to listen to my intuition. And so there you go. My body was saying, "I am past my capacity." And so later on, when I would hit that point, I learned to do something small and simple.

I would close my eyes to shut out the visual stimuli

I would turn my body away slightly and focus on one thing in the room that's NOT MOVING!!! I've got my kid over here, stimming his little heart out, spinning and rocking. And that's great. He's celebrated over here. I'm not going to tell him to stop stimming. I am, however, going to turn my body away and look at the wall for five seconds because the wall's not moving. And that's helpful before my head starts to spin.

Or I will put a hand over one ear just to reduce the sound levels and the physical pain (I know it's a common thing in the neurodivergent community. For those of us that are hypersensitive to noise, sound can translate into pain) So I'll just cover my ears.

And none of that is to block him out

It's to give my nervous system one inch of space so I can stay present. What I felt intuitively was that protecting my nervous system was how I was going to stay connected. In the face of all of that sensory overload, I wasn't going to dissociate. I wasn't going to leave the room. I wasn't going to emotionally shut out my child. And I'm saying this with the greatest love and respect for my family of origin, but those were the behaviors that were modeled in my childhood. So now, I was going to break the cycle. And I'll talk about breaking the cycle in Episode 12, we'll go over how we don't have to raise our kids the way that we were raised - and how how it's absolutely within our power to reinvent a parenting style that is more aligned with emotional safety for our kids.

I was going to stay connected and not let my nervous system get fried

And that's the opposite of avoidance, rejection, and trying to stop him from being his happy, stimming autistic self. So it's care. If I'm creating that space between us, it's care. For both of us, because if I'm regulated, then both of us are better.

Because before that, when I would pretend I was fine and push through, basically deny the overwhelm, that would just delay the moment when I would implode. So how do you have your cake and eat it, too?

"How do you stay connected and not let your nervous system get fried?"

Here are four tips I implemented, that can help in the middle of these moments that are super intense when you're stimmed out, so that you stay connected and also honor your needs. We're talking very small things when you're feeling the pressure cooker, the pressure coming up. It's not the time to try to engage cognitively. You need tiny, tiny ideas, tiny, tiny solutions, because you're not going to necessarily be able to think through that moment. So I'm suggesting tiny things:

1. First of all, name what's happening out loud. "My body's overwhelmed right now". Not, "I can't handle this, you're too loud". Name whatever is happening, that is a fact in your body. "My body's overwhelmed right now". "Oh, gee, I'm starting to feel a little hot right now." "I think my head's going to start spinning soon." By naming it, you're modeling listening to your body. If you're co-parenting with someone whose behavior feels harmful, chaotic, or destabilizing to you, it's all the more crucial to model listening to our bodies and trusting our intuition. It makes the kids gaslight-proof for their future interactions. So you name what's happening and you stick to a fact that's about your body. It's tiny. It's a little thing that you can do.

   
   

2. Second thing is to make a micro adjustment so that you're not forcing endurance. You're not trying to push through. No, no, no. The pressure is increasing, it's only 5 p.m. and after you handle this stimmed out phase, you still have to do homework, and dinner, oh my God. Okay, stop. Close your eyes. Put on your headphones. Add one foot of space between you two. Lower your shoulders. Slow your breathing. Put your feet flat on the floor. Pick one or two tiny adjustments to create space, which will give your nervous system a buffer and prevent shutdown. So that's the second tip. Micro adjustments so you're not pushing through. Give your nervous system some space.

   
   

3. The third thing is to narrate simply to your child if needed. You want to stay factual. I don't think it's the time to talk to him about your emotions. The kid is stimming because he's trying to regulate. The reason he's stimming is that he's trying to not go into a meltdown. He's trying to regulate his nervous system. He's dealing with something. So it's not the right time to tell him about your emotions, which is absolutely appropriate in other scenarios, but not right now. Not when he's stimming like a little madman, stick to facts. Something like, "I need a quiet minute. Be right back". Or, "I'm going to go take a breath. Keep playing". You're not asking him to stop stimming. You're not cutting the connection. You're readjusting so you can be present.

   
   

4. The fourth thing that I learned to do, and now I do it in a lot more scenarios than just when I'm stimmed out is to call on the Holy Spirit. I'll close my eyes and call the spirit to fill the room and give me that wisdom and that patience. And it sounds like this, "Holy Spirit come, Holy Spirit come, Holy Spirit come, Holy Spirit come". And I've experienced - many times - that after maybe the 15th or 20th repetition, I can physically feel a weight lift off of my shoulders / body / nervous system. I can feel the cloud lift. The Holy Spirit comes. He does. He answers. He's here, engaged with me in that Spiritual Warfare. And I just feel better. Call in the Holy Spirit. And again, keep it very simple. You cannot, when you're stimmed out, cognitively go into prayer. Just "Holy Spirit come. Holy Spirit come. Holy Spirit come".

   
   

5. The fifth tip, if it is safe to do so, then you would step away before you overflow. That's kind of your last resort. Even 20 seconds can reset the body. You walk to the bathroom, splash cold water on your hands. Do some deep breathing. Your goal at that point is not to be calm, it's to not drown. And that's enough for today.

These tips helped me a lot. I've stumbled upon them either through what other creators are doing, or I just started doing it intuitively. I figured it would help. And I hope they help you too. We're talking tiny things, but in the heat of feeling your own meltdown coming when you're stimmed out, tiny shifts is often all you can do, and they make a difference.

Now we shift to the part where I tell you to please not add guilt to the mix

Honey, if you're a single mom on the spectrum, healing from trauma, oftentimes noticing stressful or harmful patterns coming from your co-parent after separation, and your kid's on the spectrum too. Gee, parenting while overwhelmed, is not the life you had envisioned. None of this was part of the plan. But today, parenting while overwhelmed is your only option. We keep it real. It's your only option.

Be human, stay humble, tackle it one day at a time with tiny shifts. What matters is not that you stay regulated all the time because you won't. I don't think there's one woman on this planet, regardless of her circumstances, that is regulated all the time. No. Let's cut the crap. Everybody gets overwhelmed. Everybody loses their shit every now and then. What matters is that we repair when needed. Maybe your voice got tight. You got impatient. You needed to take a break.

You can always come back and say, "I was overwhelmed. I took a moment. I'm here now."

That's repair. You're modeling the fact that even after a little situation, we return. We return after dysregulation. Maybe we apologize. We repair. Kids are not going to learn emotional safety by us being perfect. They're going to learn nothing by us being perfect. They are, however, going to learn emotional safety by watching us return after dysregulation.

So please no guilt. This is all good. Your kids are going to learn a lot more from you going through what I'm describing here than from you thinking you need to be perfect. Oh my God, who needs to think that?

This episode is really a love letter to the single mother who's doing her best with a nervous system that is tired. The work you're doing is not for the weak; and you're tired of being strong. I personally got to a point where I jokingly told people I was going to punch them in their face if they told me once again how strong I was. I don't want to hear it anymore. None of us want to be strong. We didn't choose this. We want rest. We want that soft life. We want to enjoy your kids. None of this was part of the plan. I get it.

And you're definitely not too sensitive! If you're neurodivergent and you've been gaslit for a while in your relationship, you're both sensitive indeed and you might have a tendency to not want to honor that. Let me say that again. You're not too sensitive; if you're neurodivergent then yes you're sensitive, and if you've been gaslit for a while in your relationship you might have a tendency to not want to honor how sensitive you are. Being sensitive is actually what can make autistic moms exceptional moms.

You're human, and you're parenting in conditions most people cannot fathom.

"Most women you know wouldn't last a day in your life"

And you're here, listening to this at whatever ungodly hour in the night (if you're anything like me). Because you're looking for answers. You're looking for solutions. You're wanting to show up for your kid in the best possible way. That's amazing. You're doing all of this with love. That matters, so take a breath. You're allowed to be human. Your love is making a huge difference.

For more about the above, please note that Episode 8 will be about rest versus escape and Episode 12 will be about breaking the cycle and how to parent differently than we were parented. Always, always take it one day at a time please; we will see you next time.

If this Episode has helped you, check out Episode 5: Finding Stillness in the Battle - How to Stay Centered When Life Won’t Slow Down