19. Forgiveness: 6 Reasons Forgiveness Matters After Narcissistic Abuse and with Autism - Emotional Detachment as a Tactical Advantage for Family Court, Season 2

What does it mean to forgive someone? Do I have to forgive my abuser? Why is everyone hellbent of getting me to forgive my coparent? These are questions that come up a lot in recovery circles. If we were clear about what forgiveness is, these questions wouldn't come up. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. It's something you do for yourself, and the other person never needs to know. They'll smell the shift, but they don't need to get a memo.

Welcome back to season two of Light in the Battle, emotional detachment as a tactical advantage for family court. Light in the Battle is a podcast for autistic women healing from narcissistic abuse, and it is a podcast where we get clearer, calmer, and spiritually and legally harder to mess with. What I learned in my journey is that the legal advice and strategy for family court against people who make us feel confused or scared just does not land when emotions are running high.

Survivors keep losing in court over and over. Then I figured it out. The safe parent has to show that they are the stable, child-focused parent, both in all the evidence that they generate, emails, texts, medical reports, and in their demeanor in court.

As long as survivors show up in court frazzled with raging PTSD and resentment, and as long as they keep writing angry emails, or share how mad they feel that contact has been allowed, or refuse to cooperate on certain aspects, they're never going to win. Although their concerns and feelings are mostly valid, and they don't change after we achieve emotional detachment. Survivors need to stop creating content for the other side to use to make them appear unstable and unsafe for the child.

So in season two, I'm taking you on the journey that I traveled to get to a point where I detached completely. I cared just as much about my child's well-being. However, I got my head out of my butt, and I worked on myself so I could get to a new and improved version.

A version of myself that could play by the court's rules to show the truth and the patterns of behavior in an indisputable manner. So far in season two, we've covered how to understand and break the trauma bond in episodes 15 and 16. We've covered PTSD, CPTSD, what EMDR is, and how EMDR worked for me, though it doesn't work for everyone, in episodes 17 and 18.

This is the transcript for Episode 19.

We'll be talking about forgiveness today, and after the forgiveness piece, you'll hear about codependency, gratitude, fellowship and mentorship, surrender and grief in future episodes of this season too. So make sure to follow the show if you want to be able to catch all the episodes as they come out every week.

So why do I include forgiveness in my emotional detachment season? I'm seeing on forums online, on Facebook, on Instagram, a lot of people talking about forgiveness with a lot of misconceptions, I think, about forgiveness.

I'm seeing a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, a lot of stuck. I'm seeing stuck. I'm seeing people that are a mess internally.

Understandably so, absolutely understandably so. That was me a few years ago, and I'm inspired to share the psychological and neurological work that I did that made it possible for me to move forward with my life and with my legal case. Forgiveness was one of the pillars for me.

We're talking about a mindset shift, a level of maturity that survivors need to get to. And so I'm going to list six things to think about when it comes to forgiveness, and I recommend that you really stay until the end because you're going to love this sixth angle. I'm going to love it.

1. The first thing that comes to mind when we talk about forgiveness is what it is and what it is not. What is forgiveness? People seem to be very confused on social media.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. It does not mean giving someone another chance. You can forgive, and then, next step, decide whether you want to give the person another chance or not. (I certainly don't recommend it when dealing with personality disorders, but that's a different conversation.)

Forgiving, over here, and thinking about reconciling or not reconciling over there, those are two separate events, two separate conversations.

"Forgiveness is letting go of the desire for revenge,

letting go of the anger

and letting go of the resentment"

So you're no longer looking for reasons to be mad. You're no longer plotting for revenge. You're no longer posting on Facebook, what can I do to get back at my narcissistic ex? You're no longer carrying that emotional load, that mess.

You're letting go of the emotional burden. That's what forgiveness is. You're no longer stuck in yuck that revolves around getting revenge and ruminating on what was done to you.

You let it go.

Saying, "I'll never forgive my ex" is the exact same thing as saying, "I choose to never stop carrying anger and resentment for the rest of my life". That's what you're saying.

I want to know why. Why? Why do you want to never stop carrying anger and resentment? Why? You see who they are. You know exactly who they are, what they're capable of, what they've done and will do again, but you have to stop carrying that desire for vengeance, that heaviness, that resentment and that anger.

Those will only make your body sick. The abuser doesn't need to know that you forgave. It's something you do for yourself.

It's your own emotions that you're dealing with.

2. Second thing I want to talk about when it comes to forgiveness is that stupid expression. It's not stupid in general, but it's stupid in the context of domestic abus: "Forgive and Forget". Huh???

"Forgive and forget"?

Well, let's not.

I think this expression is the reason people don't want to forgive or don't understand forgiveness.

This phrase should not exist. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, especially in cases of domestic abuse, childhood trauma, the more intense cases. You forgive and you remember.

You let go of the grudge. You no longer seek revenge, but you do not let go of the just consequence to what's been done. Whatever that looks like for you.

You can very well sue someone into oblivion that you have forgiven.

Stay with me.

The difference is the way, the intention behind how you sue someone, because in a dysfunctional predatory relationship:

• you're going to have one person that sues with the intent of harming, controlling and destroying.

• you're going to have the other person that sues to achieve fairness, protection of the kids, justice, and a logical, natural consequence to what happened.

  
  

Big difference between the two mindsets.

Once you've forgiven, you get to a level of clarity, like the fog lifts and you detach from that emotional cloud, that wanting to get revenge, wanting to hurt the other, that cloud that's floating around the situation.

It starts to really go away and you're a lot better able to think clearly and engage in that legal battle fairly and with a clear objective in mind. Everything becomes a lot easier.

Well, not everything becomes a lot easier. None of this is easy, but the mental and emotional piece here, that's my main focus for the season, that piece becomes easier.

3. The third thing that comes to mind about forgiveness is the way that your forgiveness will bear fruit. Stay with me here if you're Christian, skip if not :)

It gets a little theological and practical towards the end, but humor me.

The first fruit is that forgiveness stops the cycle of violence.

"Forgiveness stops

the cycle of violence"

Based on John Paul II's book, The Christian Meaning of Human Suffering, suffering becomes meaningful when it is turned into love; and forgiveness is one of the highest forms of love.

A lot of suffering comes from being hurt by others, and if you're listening to this, you're likely thinking about a specific person. That kind of suffering easily turns into bitterness, which multiplies pain and passes it on. Forgiveness stops that cycle.

When you forgive, you absorb the pain instead of returning it. You refuse to let your suffering produce more suffering and you turn a wound into a gift. This is exactly what Jesus does on the cross.

When he says, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." Meditate on this sentence, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do". Try to see how that applies to your story.

What St. John Paul II explains is that suffering that you don't forgive will harden you and create more violence. Suffering that you forgive heals, and that goes way beyond just you. It has a ripple effect on everyone around you.

Forgiveness doesn't erase the wound, but it changes what the wound does. And that's why he would say suffering bears fruit when you forgive the hurt. That produces peace instead of revenge and freedom from your emotional chains.

Okay, thanks for humoring me here. A second, more practical fruit of forgiveness, I mean of learning how to forgive, and that will be my fifth point in this list, how do you forgive someone that hurt you so bad, is that you can start to apply it to way more people than just the person you have in mind listening to this. And so in the process, you grow, you grow into a more mature version of yourself.

You learn to systematically, in every case when you're hurt, shift from negativity and anger and plotting revenge to releasing the hurt. That not only makes you a better version of yourself, but it also helps you reclaim your dignity.

4. The fourth thing I like to think about is that forgiveness is a key aspect of spiritual warfare.

When you're not forgiving, you're playing the devil's game. It's keeping you enslaved inside the situation. It's keeping you stuck.

It's keeping you small. It's keeping you in a pit of darkness. That's where the devil resides.

It's the opposite of freedom. And you were made for freedom. You were made for joy.

You were made for wisdom, maturity. Don't stay stuck in small, angry, bitter, vengeful thinking in that demonic oppression and get back into the light by letting it go, by forgiving. You're setting yourself free, really, is what you're doing.

And another thing, it goes without saying, but Jesus forgave us everything. He died to appease the wrath of the father. He carried all of our sins so that we would be forgiven.

So now you have to find a way. You're called to find a way to also forgive. It's part of the deal if you want to be rational about it.

5. It actually is a nice segue into item number five, my recipe on how to forgive with an autistic brain. If you have an autistic brain, forgiving may actually be a very logical, easy-ish thing to do. Although autistic brains will struggle to fathom that someone could lie, cheat, manipulate, deceive, and all that because we're so black and white.

We're so transparent, honest, fair, and all that. At some point, it has to be a logical decision to forgive. I think the autistic brain is better equipped to keep it logical.

If you've ever asked yourself, "how do I forgive my abusive ex?", well, for me, the way I make forgiveness a logical thing to do is I look to pinpoint exactly what hurt that person. Because you know that hurt people hurt people. So what is it that hurt that person so bad that they would then walk around hurting others? The moment I can see them as a broken little bird or I can see their inner child, their wounded, defeated inner child, it's a lot easier for me to forgive.

And it takes away their power too. They're no longer this giant monster hovering over me. They're a broken little bird on the ground.

They're a wounded, crying child. Of course, I'm going to forgive a crying child. But to do that, I need to be able to pinpoint what it is that happened to them.

And that's a logical approach. It's not emotional. I find it helpful for my autistic brain to achieve forgiveness, to have a logical approach.

Okay, before I move on to a very juicy reason to forgive, I want to remind you to please leave a five star rating on this post, to comment and engage as I get a lot of ideas from the community!!! And I'd love some feedback!

6. Here's item number six. If you're dealing with whether it's a narcissistic mother, narcissistic co-worker, whatever, forgiveness is a way of driving them crazy!!!

That's your revenge right there. Because people with narcissistic personality disorder, they cannot handle your indifference. They thrive off the fight.

They love it. That's how they get that narcissistic supply. So when you forgive, you refuse to fight.

You're no longer angry, seeking revenge. You're no longer giving an emotional response. And they become starved of that supply.

"Forgiveness?

That's your revenge

right there"

After you've forgiven your abuser, they become insignificant to your daily life. And they can sense that and they hate it. Because your focus shifts from ruminating over that person and still giving them power and control without them needing to do anything, to focusing on the day to day, the quality of your life, the fact that you want to maybe redecorate the living room, maybe you want to pick up a new hobby, like all that other fun stuff that you want to do and focus on.

And they hate that. As long as you insist on fighting them and seeking revenge, you will keep losing. Because they're better at it. They've done it their whole life. And it gives them joy. Living rent free inside your head gives them joy.

They know it's hurting you. So when you let it go, you stop that power imbalance.

Now careful, again, I'm talking about your emotional state. I'm not talking about whether you're going to go battle them in court. I was saying earlier, you can forgive someone and still sue them all the way. Here I'm talking about your emotional state.

You'll be a lot more efficient when you're not struggling emotionally with your anger. And when they sense that they've lost their grip, that's when you'll be a lot more powerful and impactful. I'm saying you stop fighting them in your head.

That's what I'm saying. Okay, so that wraps up my episode about forgiveness. I hope some of this resonated with you.

If it did, consider bringing it to the attention of a trained professional (psychologist, counselor and the like) that can walk with you on your path to emotional freedom - this time, through forgiveness. I'm only here to share what I've observed, experienced, or researched. And the bottom line for this inner work journey I'm taking you on, again, is that any court strategies, legal advice you're getting from your lawyer, social media, divorce coach, none of this will land if you're still an emotional mess, okay? All righty, thank you for being here.

We'll talk to you next week with episodes on codependency. Bye-bye!