20. Codependency, Autism, and Narcissists: Understanding Codependent Behaviors and Traits That Lead to Narcissistic Abuse - Emotional Detachment as a Tactical Advantage for Family Court, Season 2

Here we explain what codependency is, common behaviors and traits of codependent people, as well as self-verification behaviors in women with ASD and men with NPD. This sets the stage for a deep exploration in Episode 21, of why just like narcissistic people target people with autism, women with autism can also find that relationships with dysfunctional people are a good fit for their brain wiring.

Welcome back to season two of Light in the Battle, emotional detachment as a tactical advantage for family court. Light in the Battle is a podcast for autistic women healing from narcissistic abuse and it is a podcast where we get clearer, calmer, and spiritually and legally harder to mess with. What I learned in my journey is that the legal advice and strategy for family court, against people who make us feel confused or scared, just does not land when emotions are running high.

Survivors keep losing in court over and over. Then I figured it out. The safe parent has to show that they are indeed the stable, child-focused parent, both in all the evidence that they generate, emails, texts, medical reports, and in their demeanor in court.

As long as survivors show up in court frazzled, with raging PTSD and resentment, and as long as they keep writing angry emails or share how mad they feel that contact has been allowed or refuse to cooperate on certain aspects, they are never going to win. Although their concerns and feelings are mostly valid and they don't change after we achieve emotional detachment, survivors need to stop creating content for the other side to use to make them appear unstable and unsafe for the child. So I'm taking you on the journey that I traveled to get to a point where I detached completely.

I cared just as much about my child's well-being. However, I got my head out of my butt and I worked on myself so I could get to a new and improved version. A version of myself that could play by the court's rules to show the truth and the patterns of behavior in an indisputable manner.

So in season two about emotional detachment, we've covered

• how to understand and break the trauma bond in episodes 15A to 16B

  • Episode 15A talks about how I uncovered by addiction to chaos, my trauma bond

  • Episode 15B talks about how I filled that void in healthy ways

  • Episode 16A explains the trauma bond from a neurochemical perspective

  • Episode 16B suggests ways to bring the levels of the neurochemicals back down

  
  

• PTSD, CPTSD, and EMDR therapy in Episode 17. Then we saw how EMDR therapy impacted my life, though it doesn't work for everyone, in episode 18

  
  

• forgiveness, which does not mean reconciliation, in episode 19

  
  

Today let's talk about codependency. I'm splitting it into three episodes:

• Introducing what codependency is, with the commonly-known traits and behaviors, as well as the concept of self-verification in this episode.

• Describing the shocking links I'm seeing between ASD and Codependency, which makes us prime targets for narcissists in Episode 21.

• Ways out of codependency, ways that worked for me, and that you should bring to your therapist's attention, in Episode 22.

After the codependency piece, you will hear about

• gratitude,

• fellowship and mentorship,

• surrender and grief

in future episodes of this season 2.

So make sure to follow the show if you want to catch all the episodes as they come out about emotional detachment. Just like I split my episode about the trauma bond into four episodes and I also split the episode about PTSD and EMDR into two episodes, it's going to take three episodes to cover everything I have to suggest about codependency.

In this first part, I want to define codependency, give examples of codependent traits and behaviors, and talk about self-verification. We will go from there in the next episodes, to see how that ties in with the ASD brain and how to get out of it, how to start a codependency recovery journey, which is going to impact every area of our lives, not just that specific dysfunctional relationship.

I want to talk about my sources.

• So as usual, there's a lot of lived experience and things that I have observed throughout my journey and through conversations that I'm having with other survivors.

• There's the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's a book that came out 40 years ago almost. I initially heard about it watching Ex-Wives of Rock many years ago while I was a raging codependent. The main message is, "you must learn to depend on yourself. Stop abandoning yourself for others. Make promises to yourself and keep them." And then as Beattie notes throughout the book, "you must learn to depend on God too. As codependents, we have a complex relationship with our feelings."

• There's an interview of Melody Beattie on a lot of podcast platforms. I'm providing a link to that episode on Spotify in the show notes, but I'm sure you can find it on the platform that you're using.

• Another source was simple Google research. I did a ton of research for this episode. It's publicly available.

• I did find the concept of self-verification on simplypsychology.org.

  
  

This episode comes after the episode about forgiveness because many listeners will think that they've forgiven, but they'll still be emotionally monitoring the other person, orienting their decisions around them, over explaining, over accommodating, managing and predicting reactions, and just staying psychologically entangled.

Codependents are raised in dysfunctional households. They often have parents that deal with addiction, are narcissistic, deal with major mental or physical health issues, or are very emotionally immature.

Therefore, there is a risk for your children that they become codependent too. There are the challenges that you may be facing as an autistic mother, and there's the possibility of a personality disorder in the other parent, both of which can end up raising a codependent. So understanding this is very important, not just for you, but for future generations.

Understanding codependency

is very important not just for you,

but for future generations as well.

As you're looking for ways to break the pattern from generational trauma, something I talk about in episode 12, codependency is an important concept to think about. The better you understand codependency and achieve emotional detachment, the better you can parallel parents in order to raise a non-codependent child. Emotional detachment is also how you show up stable, calm, composed, and ruthless in court.

Stay with me through this entire season. It's going to make you uncomfortable, I'm sure. I'm going to push you a little bit.

I'm taking you on a journey. Make sure to stay until the end because I worked hard to set the stage, to then tie codependency to autism in women in the next episode. What is crucial to understand right here, is the concept of self-verification.

This is something that nobody else is talking about, the link between codependency and autism, and I would have needed this information so bad when I was in that journey. Nobody was talking about it then.

All right, let's begin with definitions, traits, and concepts.

There's three possible definitions of codependency before we talk about concrete examples of behaviors and traits:

1. Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

   
   

2. A psychological condition or a relationship, in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval, has an unhealthy attachment to another person and places the needs of that person before his or her own.

   
   

3. In codependency, a person tries to satisfy the needs of another who is often controlling or manipulative and who may have an addictive or emotionally unstable personality.

Please leave this piece a five-star review at this point so this information can be suggested to more women who need to achieve emotional detachment. I am happy to provide the content over here, but you over there need to make it credible to the algorithm by interacting with it, so share it with friends, comment, follow, give a rating. Thank you so much.

Now the juicy part is the behaviors and traits. That may be where you will relate and maybe it will start making more sense to you personally in your own history and journey.

Just to give some context, codependent personality traits are magnified in dysfunctional relationships. That's where they become fully visible and expressed. The traits would not show if it was just you living on a desert island and they also don't unfold when we are dealing with very emotionally healthy people. It can actually feel really uncomfortable trying to connect to an emotionally healthy person if you're still early in the codependency recovery journey because they're going to show up with boundaries and respect for you and none of those are anywhere within your comfort zone.

Okay, I created a character called Jessica. She's autistic and codependent. Let's go over her behaviors and traits with concrete examples.

1. First behavior or trait in codependency is a lack of boundaries or enmeshment. Codependents tend to have poor personal boundaries and they struggle to separate their own thoughts, feelings, and identities from those of their loved one. So I suggest you do a bit of research on what boundaries are and how they work. There's amazing content out there on YouTube and podcasts about boundaries. My role here is to tie it all together with codependency, ASD, emotional detachment, etc. So here's my example.

EXAMPLE: Jessica notices her partner is stressed and immediately feels it in her body like it's her own anxiety. She cancels her planned rest time to help him calm down. When he's upset she assumes she did something wrong and starts fixing things without being asked.

She shares every thought and emotion with him because separation feels unsafe. If he's distant she can't focus on her work. She changes her schedule to match his moods.

She doesn't know where her needs end and his begin. Saying no feels like abandonment. She feels responsible for ensuring peace in the relationship.

So maybe you can relate with that example.

2. The second trait that is observed in codependent people is a need for control. I'm sorry to break it to you but if you're a codependent you are also showing up in a dysfunctional relationship with a need for control. Codependents may try to control or manipulate another person's behavior, often unknowingly, to avoid abandonment or cope with their own insecurities. That may look like back leading, passive aggression, or control as a way to help and fix the other person.

   
   

EXAMPLE: Jessica might try to prevent an addict from using or she may attempt to take control of a person's finances to help them plan for retirement etc. when they never asked for it.

3. A third trait in codependents is people pleasing and caretaking. Codependents often prioritize others over themselves without receiving the same care in return out of fear of rejection, abandonment, or not feeling needed.

EXAMPLE: Jessica's co-worker hints that she's overwhelmed and Jessica immediately offers to take on extra tasks even though she's already exhausted. She stays late, skips dinner, ignores her sensory overload because she doesn't want anyone to be disappointed. When the co-worker thanks her, Jessica feels relief, not because she wanted to help.

That wasn't the underlying need. She feels relief because the tension is gone. She never mentioned her limits, her boundaries.

She assumes it's her job to keep everyone comfortable. By the time she gets home, she's depleted and resentful but the habit is automatic and it is hard to stop.

So maybe you can relate to that example.

4. The fourth trait in codependents is low self-esteem. Codependents typically have a low opinion of themselves and they derive any sense of worth from their ability to care for others or gain approval from them. Example, and my autistic people will really relate with that one.

EXAMPLE, and my autistic people will really relate with that one: Jessica's friend cancels plans and Jessica immediately assumes it's her fault. She replays every sentence she said, searching for what she did wrong. Instead of checking the facts, she apologizes repeatedly for being too much.

She offers to reschedule around her friend's availability, even though she was the one who needed the time together. She tells herself her needs are inconvenient. The idea that the cancellation might have nothing to do with her never crosses her mind.

5. And a fifth trait that we sometimes find in codependency is addiction or substance abuse. Codependents often find themselves in relationships where addiction is involved, although that's not always the case. As a matter of fact, when Melody Beattie wrote the book 40 years ago, there was no word to describe the common traits that were observed among the spouses of alcoholics. So people would go to AA and the addictive behaviors were already pretty well understood and there was already solutions being offered for addicts, but nobody had noticed back then that the spouses of alcoholics also displayed a range of common traits and behaviors of their own. And so a name was created for that type of personality and it was codependency. Just to give you some context. Codependents often find themselves in relationships where addiction is involved, though that's not always the case on either side, by the way.

EXAMPLE: after long days of masking and caretaking, Jessica pours herself a drink to finally feel quiet inside. It's the only moment her thoughts slow down and her body relaxes. She tells herself it's just to unwind, but she reaches for it every night.

When she feels overwhelmed or rejected, she uses it to numb the spike of emotion instead of asking for support. She doesn't see it as a problem. It's actually a matter of survival.

And over time, this habit replaces her need for rest for boundaries and self soothing, healthy self soothing.

By the way, rest is something I talk about in episode eight, where I compare the concept of rest with the concept of escaping. So when you're pouring yourself a drink, you're really escaping. You're not honoring your need for rest.

So we've looked at some definitions for codependency.

We've looked at traits and behaviors of codependence with examples.

Now we learn about the concept of self verification: Your brain wants the world to treat you in ways that match how you see yourself.

Your brain wants

the world to treat you

in ways that match

how you see yourself.

It doesn't matter what that self image is, could be painful or untrue or very positive, whatever. Your brain wants the world to treat you in ways that match how you see yourself. How does that work for codependents?

If you learned early on that you are too much or only lovable when helpful, your nervous system starts to feel familiar when people treat you that way.

It feels predictable. And the autistic brain often craves predictability, even when it hurts. So in codependency,

• you may over give because being needed matches your self image.

• you may stay quiet because taking up space feels wrong.

• you may accept poor boundaries because that's what feels normal.

• you may try to fix people because that's how you've learned that you matter.

It's not that you want to be mistreated. It's that the brain is trying to keep things consistent with what it believes about itself.

So when I'm on Facebook and I'm seeing comments and questions about like, "why am I putting up with this?" Or "why do I want to go back?" It's not only about the trauma bond.

It's about the fact that your brain is trying to keep things consistent with what it believes about itself. So if you have no boundaries, low self esteem, and you see yourself as difficult too much and needing to be helpful to basically justify being part of this relationship, then you're going to align with that belief.

The good news is that once you notice this pattern, you can slowly teach your brain a new version of what feels safe.

One where you have boundaries and where your needs matter too. Again, self-verification is the fact that your brain wants the world to treat you in ways that match how you see yourself. We've seen how that works for codependents.

Now, how does that work in people with narcissistic personality disorder? Well, for people with NPD, the core belief is usually split and unstable. On the surface, it's "I am superior, special, entitled". And underneath, unconsciously, "I am defective, unlovable, or insignificant".

Because that inner belief is so painful, the brain of narcissists works overtime to prove the outer story is true, "I'm superior, special, entitled", and hide the inner story, "I'm defective, unlovable, insignificant."

And so the NPD brain, that's trying to keep the outside world matching what it believes about itself, is going to seek situations where others admire them, validate their superiority, submit, appease or revolve around them, absorb blame so they don't have to. And when someone challenges this image by setting boundaries, by disagreeing, becoming independent or indifferent, it breaks the narcissist's self-verification system. Their brain experiences this as threat, not feedback.

And so that's when narcissists start to attack, devalue, discard, gaslight, punish, pull you back into your old role. And so you also see how because narcissistic people will seek situations where others admire them, validate them, submit, appease... Well, as you walk on your journey towards recovery from codependency, you will repel people with NPD.

You will no longer be a match for what their brain needs because of self-verification. You just won't be a fit anymore. They'll have to go after someone else.

So when people are saying, "what do I need to do next time I encounter a narcissist?" Well, if you've done the work on your codependency, you don't have to do anything. You will repel them because you will not feed into what their brain needs. You're not going to be a match.

OK, so

• codependent people often self-verify through being needed.

• Narcissistic people self-verify through being superior.

And this dynamic sticks because both brains are trying to keep their internal stories consistent, just in opposite directions.

If that all makes sense to you and you're finding it helpful and interesting, please make sure to follow the show so you can catch the next episode. Now that I've set the stage with the definitions and the traits and the underpinning concept of self-verification, next week we're going to look at ties to the ASD brain. Why this is all gold to the ASD brain.

And then we'll look at five reasons why autistic women may be more prone to codependent patterns and ways out of codependency for the ASD brain. Thank you so much for being here today. We'll talk to you next week.