24. Why Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Need Fellowship & Mentorship: TAR Anon, Trauma Recovery, Autism & ASD - Podcasthon - Emotional Detachment as a Tactical Advantage for Family Court, Season 2

Community and fellowship are crucial in our recovery from PTSD or CPTSD, especially for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Healing from abusive dynamics is extremely difficult to do in isolation. Survivors often leave these relationships with confusion, self-doubt, and lingering trauma responses that make it hard to trust themselves again. Community support can provide something that individual trauma recovery work alone cannot: shared understanding, validation, and co-regulation. The STAR Network offers us free, online 12-step meetings that provide us with that shared experience and shared goal towards recovery. These are called TAR Anon meetings.

This is the transcript for Episode 24.

Welcome back to Season 2 of Light in the Battle, Emotional Detachment as a Tactical Advantage for Family Court.

Light in the Battle is a podcast for autistic women healing from narcissistic abuse, and it is a podcast where we get clearer, calmer, and spiritually and legally harder to mess with. What I learned in my journey is that the legal advice and strategy for family court against people who make us feel confused or scared just doesn't land when emotions are running high. I've seen survivors keep losing in court over and over until I figured it out. The safe parent has to show that they are the stable, child-focused parent, both in all the evidence that they generate, emails, texts, medical reports, and in their demeanour in court. So I'm taking you on the journey that I traveled to get to a point where I detached completely. That's Season 2.

I cared just as much about my child's well-being, however, I got my head out of my butt and I worked on myself so I could get to a new and improved version, a version of myself that could play by the court's rules to show the truth and the patterns of behavior in an indisputable manner. This only became possible after I had detached emotionally.

I want to remind listeners of where you are in the journey. So as I've explained in episode 23, there's a structure to this season.

• We have covered the trauma bond, I've covered that under every possible angle, neurochemicals in the brain, faith, physical body, ASD, I've pretty much covered this topic fully and these were episodes 15a to 16b.

• We talked about PTSD and EMDR as a type of trauma therapy that worked for me and the impact it had on my life as an autistic woman. Those were episodes 17 and 18.

  
  

• We talked about forgiveness, which is not the same as reconciliation or giving people another chance. It's something you do in secret for yourself in episode 19.

  
  

• And then we had three episodes, 20, 21 and 22 about codependency and how autistic women can be a lot more prone to codependent patterns than neurotypicals, as well as ways out of codependency for autistic women.

All of these steps so far were internal work. Now we move to the next stage, fellowship and mentorship.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse, PTSD and CPTSD cannot be done alone. Featuring the STAR Network, a foundation dedicated to supporting STARs, Survivors of Toxic, Abusive Relationships.

Recovery cannot stay internal forever. At some point you need community, co-regulation, mentorship and people who understand the dynamics. This is where fellowship comes in.

And for survivors of toxic and abusive relationships, one of the most powerful resources I've discovered is the STAR Network. A bit of background, this week is Podcasthon week. As you may know, Podcasthon is an initiative that encourages more than 2,000 podcasters around the world to dedicate this week's episode to a charity of their choice. When I was approached by Podcasthon several months ago, I started thinking about which charity would be a natural fit for Light in the Battle.

On that specific week, because at hte time I was in the process of designing my Season 2 and structuring it, I was like, "okay, what would be the best charity for that specific episode about fellowship and mentorship?"

And I ended up finding the STAR Network. STAR stands for Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships. The Star Network is a global trauma recovery network for people with PTSD and CPTSD who are in or have been in Toxic Abusive Relationships, TARs.

What I'm going to do for you today is explain the importance of fellowship and mentorship for autistic survivors of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse in general. And then I want to show you how the STAR Network and the free TAR Anon meetings that they offer are an exact match for what we need in our recovery. And it's free!

The goal of this episode is twofold.

• I want to encourage you to join a TAR Anon meeting

• and I want to encourage you to consider supporting the STAR Network once you've attended a few meetings maybe and when you see the immense value in the work they do for us STARS.

After doing some research about the STAR Network to ensure it aligns with what I'm doing over here, I interviewed their founder, Dr. Jamie, Chief Compassionate Officer, and I learned a ton about his vision, his approach, and all that. And I loved it so much that in the process I became a member of TAR Anon.

TAR Anon are free meetings for survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships.

Let's talk about why survivors cannot heal in isolation. Isolation is part of narcissistic abuse.

Abusers create confusion, self-doubt, secrecy, shame, and social isolation. And even after leaving, some of the scars that we bear are that we question ourselves, the trauma responses remain, the fight, the flight, the fawn, the freeze. And people around us often just don't understand.

Our normal, well-meaning friends may say things like, "just move on" or "stop talking about it", or, "You should really strive to co-parent peacefully". But as survivors, what we often need is validation, shared language and co-regulation.

And so this is where peer communities become powerful. Fellowship is critical for autistic survivors. I asked Dr. Jamie in an interview about specifically what the STAR Network can do for people on the spectrum. And he talks about continuums. He mentioned that we all fall on a spectrum.

In many ways, the abusers fall on the same spectrum of Cluster B traits. And as far as survivors are concerned, whether they be ADD, ASD, whatever type of neurodivergence or fully neurotypical, we also belong to a spectrum. So we're not asked to fit into a box when joining TAR Anon meetings.

That said, as autistic women, we often miss early red flags. We assume good intentions. We struggle with social power dynamics. We stay longer than we should in abusive systems. We internalize blame. All things I talked about in episode 21. After leaving, they may also struggle with alexithymia (which I talked about in episode 21), with isolation, difficulty trusting again, difficulty interpreting other people's reactions.

TAR Anon groups provide autistic women with:

• emotional mirroring,

• safe social practice,

• grounding techniques,

• safe connection to people that are not triggering your rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD).

  
  

I've never left a TAR Anon meeting thinking, "Ooh, I should not have said that." or, "Ooh, I'm not going to be welcomed back." Or, "Ooh, when she said this after I shared a little bit, maybe she meant that what I said was stupid."

That's never happened. My RSD is just not triggered in those meetings. So for autistic women or AuDHD moms, recovery communities can function like a structured practice tool for social dynamics in a context of extreme vulnerability.

Still on the topic of ASD, Dr. Jamie informed me that developmental aspects of CPTSD can compound with ASD. The CPTSD can alter the development of the neurological systems.

And while we're not trying to cure autism, the impact of CPTSD on the development of the neurological systems can be rectified by the neuroplasticity as we handle our trauma.

Let's talk about fellowship versus codependency because I just did three episodes on codependency. And I want to clarify that we're not looking for fellowship so we can go full codependent on people in those groups. No, it's quite the opposite, actually.

In codependency, we are over functioning. We're rescuing others. We're fixing people. We're losing ourselves. And we're focused on others.

In fellowship, there's mutual support.

• There are strong boundaries.

• There's accountability.

• And the focus is on yourself. So it's quite the opposite of codependency.

  
  

You're encouraged

• to detach,

• to regulate emotionally,

• to take responsibility for your decisions.

  
  

So you're breaking codependency instead of reinforcing it. You're not coming to a TAR Anon meeting, for example, to use people as a crutch and connect with them in unhealthy ways at all:

• You're not allowed to try and fix others.

• You have a limited time to share.

• You're not supposed to be commenting on what others have said.

• You're not here to give.

• You're here to receive.

  
  

It's very uncomfortable for codependents. And it's very healing for recovering codependents.

Okay, now let's talk about mentorship. Mentors are typically people that have been through it, are way ahead of you in the recovery journey. They can offer perspective, lived experience, encouragement, and accountability. They'll shorten the recovery path. Just like you could have a mentor in business, you could have a mentor in how you raise your kids, in your femininity journey, or whatever, your mentor is someone you're going to pick because you see that they are ahead of you on the journey that you want to embark on.

And so instead of doing it on your own through trial and error, and repeating the unhealthy patterns because you're flying blind, you get that guidance. You get those boundaries, that structure, that emotional stability, and a grounded perspective that you don't have coming in.

Now let's talk specifically about the STAR Network. I just laid the foundation, talked about why Fellowship is a good idea, why Mentorship is a good idea, why it's the opposite of codependency.

Now I want to talk about the STAR Network specifically. In the contest of Podcasthon, I'm here to tell the world about this wonderful charity. So the timing was perfect to promote the STAR Network since we're talking about fellowship and mentorship at this point of season 2.

It's again, it's a foundation dedicated to supporting STARs. Stars are Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships.

I interviewed Dr. Jamie to better understand his vision, his mindset, and what he's working to do with his team.

Most of what will follow in this episode, is stuff that I gathered from talking to him. Or that I gathered from myself being now a member of TAR Anon.

Their vision for their mission at the STAR Network is huge.

The STAR Network movement is vital to support and impact the world through several initiatives. So they'll go from prevention of dysfunction, all the way to healing people that have been through dysfunction.

So prevention is something like the North Star program where they help parents not to create attachment disorders in their kids.They help people like you and me that are kind of in the middle of the range in terms of dealing with dysfunction and attachment disorders. And then they go all the way to prisons, to help people that have engaged in reactive abuse and ended up in prison. They help them heal from what was done to them.

So the STAR Network covers a huge spectrum. They pretty much cover all the bases when it comes to attachment disorders. Surviving toxic relationships, preventing toxic relationships, healing from TARs, the whole spectrum is covered via their initiatives.

In this episode, obviously, I'm going to focus on what matters to my audience, but I wanted you to understand that it's much bigger than what I'm going to be talking about today.

When I say it's bigger, it's for example, workplace initiatives (because we've all heard of the toxic boss, or the toxic HR person, or the toxic employee who wants your head on a stick and is trying to get you fired).

It's initiatives to help break parenting cycles. The list goes on. They're in it to change the world.

The vision that Dr. Jamie shared is that we have to come together as a world, to get rid of this for our kids and their kids. We're seeing today and we've seen for centuries, how government leaders and autocrats can lack self-awareness, and the impact that this has on thousands if not millions of people that suffer from their decisions.

And there's a common root cause that the STAR Network strives to address. It's all these personality disorders. And this lack of awareness. And this lack of accountability.

So you see how the movement is vital to support and impact the world. Because one out of eight people are causing a lot of damage around them. On a scale that can go from abusing your spouse and kids, all the way to being a very toxic leader of a Fortune 500 company and hurting thousands of people.

They have a great Facebook page where they regularly post comic strips that depict what we've been through when undergoing abuse, as well as how we can move forward.

You can also follow Dr. Jamie on Instagram here.

I want to dive even deeper into how the STAR Network can help you. And hopefully by the end you can consider making a donation. Every penny helps support their massive vision.

In the context of my podcast, I had to narrow it down in terms of what they offer and how they can help you. I had to narrow it down to the initiatives that are relevant to you. So we're not going to be talking about the North Star Program. We're not going to be talking about their interventions in jails and workplaces.

These are all over the world. It doesn't matter where you find yourself reading this. You go to starnetwork.org/taranon and you can find a meeting in your time zone. I'll go into more detail in the next section.

In TAR Anon meetings, you find

• peer support.

• Community as a survivor with PTSD or CPTSD.

• Structured recovery.

• Mentorship. While 60% of their mentors are in the US, the STAR Network is also present in Europe, in the UK and on other continents

• You'll find education about abusive dynamics.

• You'll hear lived experience. Personally I find that it's helped me deal with my shame. Hearing other people share how they didn't see the signs either. And they also engaged in dysfunction, also tolerated the unacceptable. It helps me deal with my shame.

• And nervous system regulation. The impact of the nervous system regulation exercises that we do, is reinforced by the fact that you're doing it as a group. So it's really co-regulation.

  
  

In the beginning, they're not trying to be a 12-step program per se. But if you're totally new to this, let's say that it's somewhat similar to the way programs like AA, Al-Anon, CODA, Codependent Anonymous help people recover from their own dysfunction.

It's very important. You can't just do the internal healing work, the trauma therapy and such. At some point you have to make yourself vulnerable, and dive back into safe community and fellowship.

Quick sidebar about trauma therapy. In my interview with Dr. Jamie, he did mention several other types of therapy for PTSD and CPTSD. You know how I keep saying that EMDR is the one that worked for me. I talked about them in episode 17 and episode 18. But he mentioned several other types of trauma therapy:

• DBT,

• IFS,

• Experiential Psychodrama,

• Somatic Healing,

• and EMDR.

So thank you Dr. Jamie for giving me a list of options for trauma therapy. Because I know that EMDR doesn't work for everyone.

Now I want to talk about the credibility of the STAR Network.

Sorry guys, if the STAR team is reading this, sorry, but I feel the need to talk about this. So while they don't present themselves as a network of professionals, they are supported by therapist networks. In our interview, Dr. Jamie, who is himself a trauma certified therapist and licensed clinical social worker, talked about Gabor Maté. He talked about how "the body keeps the score", about Peter Levine, which are all very established in the world of trauma and trauma recovery. Richard Grannon is an ambassador for the STAR Network as well. You may know him from his YouTube channel, which is massive in the narcissistic abuse recovery world.

A lot of what they do, of their vision and of who they are, will resonate with those of us that are starting to get our bearings in the world of narcissistic abuse recovery, as we start to understand which voices we can trust and who are the more legit speakers, authors, therapists, and all that. I've been in this world for many years myself, well, I find that everything that Dr. Jamie uses as a foundation for his mindset and for his work aligns perfectly with the voices that have helped me rebuild my life.

So I find them to be extremely credible. And that's my perspective. It aligns with what has gotten me standing again and joyful again and at peace again.

Okay, so you know how I'm often asking you to follow my show and leave ratings? Well, not today. Today I'd like to focus your attention entirely on the STAR Network instead.

Dr. Jamie would like to encourage listeners to:

• join a TAR Anon meeting on your time zone

• donate here. Every penny helps heal this world.

Let's talk about TAR Anon meetings in a lot more detail.

TAR Anon is Toxic Abusive Relationships Anonymous.

Here is a great intro video from Dr. Jamie himself, the founder of the Star Network. And on that same page, you'll also find the schedule of all the meetings on all the time zones and how to join, testimonials and all that.

I want to start with a few quotes that I grabbed from inside the TAR Anon meetings, with permission, to give you a better sense of the mindset and intention in those meetings.

All of this to give you an idea of what we're trying to do at TAR Anon meetings.

Now, let's go through a little laundry list of what you can expect in TAR Anon meetings.

• TAR Anon meetings are free to attend, online, via Zoom.

  
  

• TAR Anon meetings are not recorded.

  
  

• TAR Anon meetings are anonymous. I personally show up under my stage name, Faustina. My camera is off. Nobody's ever asked me any questions about myself.

  
  

• TAR Anon meetings are neuro-safe. What this means, is that everything in the meeting is designed to ensure that you're not triggered in any way. This is a PTSD and CPTSD recovery group. So you can be sure that the meetings are held in a neuro safe setting. You are welcome as you are, and you're safe here. Recovery is only possible once you feel safe.

  
  

• TAR Anon meetings are held on every time zone. Anyone from any time zone can find a meeting that will be held during acceptable hours. Go to their site to find the best day and time for your first meeting and go from there.

  
  

• TAR Anon encourages you to show up as your authentic self. So listen to this, "not the self you show the world, not the self you show your close friends and family members, but the self, the face you never show anyone.That's the truest reflection of who you are. And that's what's welcome at Taranon meetings".

  
  

• TAR Anon meetings are for people that are either still in the relationship, all the way to people in long-term recovery and everyone in between.

And in terms of the type of relationship of abusive relationship you can be in:

• We're talking about people in IPV situations,

• as well as very toxic friendships,

• toxic relationship with a neighbor,

• toxic workplaces,

• toxic parents,

• toxic kids,

• you name it...

If you're dealing with toxicity and abuse, you're welcome at TAR Anon meetings.

Side note, you may very well be in a toxic relationship with yourself. See episode 20 about codependency and self verification. Your brain is seeking situations that confirm the way you see yourself. And that's how you and I ended up in toxic romantic relationships. It's covered abundantly in TAR Anon meetings - we may very well have a toxic relationship with ourselves.

Mentors are survivors themselves. We talked about mentorship earlier, well, they've been through it. They've got the perspective. They're ahead of you and me in the recovery journey. And they grew through the ranks at TAR Anon. They had to be members of TAR Anon for a while before becoming mentors.

TAR Anon is not trying to be the same as AA or CODA. (It can work hand in hand with CODA, for example, or with Al-Anon or with other types of fellowship groups). But this is a nervous system recovery project. So they have their own mindset and promises. And I feel, and they feel that their program really goes hand in hand with other programs.

So personally, I find that at this point in your recovery, it would make sense to consider TAR Anon and CODA as a smart approach. But obviously, you do what works for you.

Structure of a meeting:

In the structure of a TAR Anon meeting, there's a built-in neurological process (they use the term neuro-safety). In the way the metings are structured, you're always feeling safe. We are instructed not to share graphic details so as not to trigger anyone, we start with some information; then whoever feels like it, can share about a specific topic which encourage us to go deep into who we are and how we relate to others; then follows a co-regulation piece with the mentor, and an emotional regulation of self. So they're intelligently structured that way. You can really tell that it's designed for people with PTSD, that may be easily triggered, and everything is there to really keep the nervous system calm, and most importantly - safe.

So come as you are, come where you're at. You're safe, find a meeting at starnetwork.org/taranon

And also remember that the STAR Network needs donations, so please visit starnetwork.org/donate and let's support this movement in combating toxic abusers!

About Mentorship specifically, so I said that people that have been members of TAR Anon for more than 2 years can become mentors. I'm a member of TAR Anon and I know that I can expect the meetings to be held always by the same lady, she's been through it, she's got great feedback when people share around whatever the theme may be that day, she'll validate, she'll mirror what someone may be feeling, it's awesome.

And from what I understand, once you've attended several TAR Anon meetings, you can start asking the group leader how to go about connecting with a mentor on your timezone. So it's pretty awesome.

Again, the goal for this Episode is to encourage you to join a TAR Anon meeting, so remember, you can have your camera off, you can use a nickname, your mic is going to be off, you may just listen first, maybe you don't even want to talk... See if that resonates with you, come back to the next meeting, listen in some more, and then maybe you'll get to a point where you're comfortable sharing when it's time to share. No pressure! Do it at your own pace, because recovery takes time.

At this point in the recovery journey, I want you to really understand that you're not supposed to do this alone. You've worked on your trauma bond, you've been to trauma therapy, you've thought about forgiveness, your codependency, all of that was about YOU. And it's crucial, and it's foundational for this episode today. Now, I want you to go even farther out of your comfort zone and to let other human, safe connections carry you through your recovery.

In TAR Anon meetings, you are encouraged to forgive yourself first. If you can forgive the abuser, great, to get to a point of indifference where you no longer give out energy - something I talked about in Episode 19, where I said "that's your revenge right there!" then that's great. But you start with forgiveness of self.

The trauma was not our fault. The way we were raised, what we learned, the fact that we ended up picking toxic people, that was not our fault. However, self-compassion is something that you choose to start working on. This is where you become active. You stop being passive, and having "gone through" and being "subjected to" stuff in your childhood and adult life so far, and today by taking responsibility, by taking accountability, and deciding to start working on your self-compassion. This is where you take an active role in your life.

Healing is really our responsibility. We stop blaming others, and we start reparenting ourselves.

That is a pivotal part of the journey, it's where we become active. We shift out of the victim mindset, we were an object, now we're a subject. Now we are active. And we can then naturally transition into gratitude - a huge topic that I'm going to be talking about next week.

You can't get into gratitude if you're still in survival mode.

If you're in survival mode, and you're a victim, and all those things are happening to you, and you don't believe you have any power over your life, there's no way you can feel any gratitude. So you need to start moving out of that mindset, you need to start being an active player in your recovery. And realize how much power you do have over your life, and over the decisions that you make. And it starts with loving yourself.

Before I go deeper into the transition out of the victim mindset - you know how I'm always asking you to "follow my show" and "leave a 5* rating", well this time I want to focus your attention exclusively to maybe donating to the STAR Network and to attend a TAR Anon meeting, and see how that can help you.

Now we talk about coming out of the victim mindset beacuse that's how we'll be making our way to gratitude next week.

I asked Dr. Jamie to share his thoughts on shifting out of the victim mindset. You know me, you know I like to push you out of your comfort zone and I say a lot of things that you may not yet be ready for - and here I am talking to someone who's an expert in the field, so of course I was going to pick his brain, and of course I'm going to keep pushing you out of your comfort zone!

He said that when they started TAR Anon, they decided to change the name, and they became STARs. They added the S, because they felt that it's important to reflect the fact that we're moving from victims, over to Survivors. And if you come in to a meeting, you're "in that 1% of awareness" that you're a Survivor. That you can overcome this, that you're no longer a passive victim. "It's a transformation to self-love, whether that's with CodA, TAR Anon, Jesus, we're taking our lives back. Because as a child you could not be authentic." Gabor Mate talks about this. He said, "you had to be in a role, you had to survive, you had to do whatever you needed to do to survive". You had no control. But now as adults, we can un-learn those unhealthy survival mechanisms and coping skills, we can take our power back, and we can decide to reparent ourselves and to be authentic. Unlike the inner child.

To echo what I was saying earlier - the face that is welcome at TAR Anon is not the face you show the word, it's not the face you show your friends, it's the face that you don't show to anyone. It's that authentic, YOU. That's what we're working on here.

The goal should be for us to reclaim our authentic selves, find that authentic self that's been buried under years and years of dysfunction - in childhood, in adulthood - find that authentic self. If you do that, you're no longer passive. You're no longer a disempowered victim of your circumstances, you're active. What you're doing here is worthy of respect because you'll be taking accountability - unlike abusers who have zero accountability, side note - you're goint to start making decisions for your life, going no contact, modified contact, cutting off the flying monkeys and the unsafe relationships, you're removing everything that ties you to the unsafe person - other than your kids :)

All of these are decisions you make proactively.

So when you're at that point in recovery, you're no longer a victim. If you've worked on your codependency, you understand that your ASD wiring played a part in the dysfuncitonal dynamic, if you join TAR Anon and you're seeking fellowship, you're actively reclaiming your power and rebuilding your life, and you're accountable.

You're no longer whining to anyone who will isten, and pushing people away (because who wants to be friends with that?!) you can start building healthy, non-codepednent new friendships, you can start being a lot more joyful and at peace with yourself and with the world.

So this right here is where I'd like to start to tie it all together. As you can see, you forgive the other - that was my suggestion in Episode 19 - and you forgive yourself. That's what you'll be working on at TAR Anon. You learn to engage in healthy dynamics, you engage in fellowship, and you start holding your head high.

Because today is the first day of the rest of your life.

You can make it whatever you want it to be. And you can't do that if you still feel that you're a victim of your environment.

In the next episode we'll talk about gratitude, and how that is the next step towards emotional detachment after narcissistic abuse. You cannot reach gratitude while you're stil in survival mode, and you cannot reach gratitude if you still see yourself as a victim. And you certainly can't turn your legal case around if you see yourself as a victim in family court.

So OWN that shit, OWN all of it. And forgive yourself.

That's what you do at TAR Anon.

After gratitude we'll touch on Surrender and Grief, to end Season 2.

Thank you for tuning in today, thank you for considering making a donation to the STAR Network.

And to conclude, here is another great quote from TAR Anon: